Confessions of a housewife drama queen

WARNING! message may contain words that instead of communicating love and admiration to the reader, might blurred and missend a different meaning. PLEASE remember that this is more of a love letter that wants to express the heart of wife who is head over heels in love and dedicated to her husband, but instead, cause him pain most of the time, thus asking for more understanding, tolerance, patience, and more love. Genre: Romance/Drama


i am really sorry for tormenting you with my erratic emotional outbursts. you were right when you told me once, that i must have a problem. yah. i am beginning to think that way also.

you see, I’ve told you long before that i kinda have regular attack of emotional depressions. anything can trigger these outbursts of crying, self pity, coldness, and wallowing in my emotion - the rain, cold weather, dark clouds, relationship strains with my friends, family, boyfriends, and now, you, my husband.

you were right that i could get jitterry with very stupid and petty things and take things to heart like it is the end of everything, and the world is on my shoulder. these burden my heart (emotionally and physically) and mind (psychologically and physically as well). times, i try not to cry or even not mind things at all. believe me. i have been trying to control myself. praying and asking God to take or at least lighten the burden. but as you said, most of the time, the cause is simply petty and stupid. that i myself, dont agree with what i feel and how i react.

but it is like my heart is bursting if i dont let it out and wallow on it, cry the whole night, wait for someone to take me and pull me from it, or just wait for long hours till i get a moment that i find myself calm and rise from the pit of darkness i seem to have fallen into (and find myself with swollen eyes, terrible sinus, chest pain, etc). sometimes, it hurts my head, i hate to think that i might just give in to it one day (good Lord, none that i know in our history of emotional breakdown or insanity).

i know, as much as i am hurting myself, i do the same to you. and i am really sorry. you were right to tell me that we should keep distance or give space by not depending so much on each another. i know how emotionally tormenting i can be on you, which definitely affect you too physically.

but i need your help in dealing with my emotional problem, because, you, as my husband and the love of life, automatically becomes the main trigger of my emotional outbursts. sorry. these outbursts are not always negative. you also cause me to be the happiest person in the world. and that's definitely true.

one of the reasons i used not to want to get into a relationship was this, my being too emotional. i was afraid it would cause me too much pain. and it did. my health gave in with my first relationship.

but faith and love assured me that they are stronger than my negative emotional outbursts. they made me stronger to welcome you in my life, and push me further by saying yes to marriage to you.

and as we contemplate of raising our family, it is haunting me again that i might not be able to handle the emotional demands of having children. i am so afraid pa. please help me. please understand that when i get emotional and throwing you cold treatment, i am not angry with you. probably, i am slightened by your "insensitiveness" which you yourself admit, but please, understand that my reaction is not entirely to that fault. i seem to be reacting to the world when i react to you. it is soooooooo bad. i hate it.

you just dont know how i create bad words, thought and scenarios about you when i am into that PIT of emotions. forgive me pa, please. if you happen to read any of them, please remember that it wasnt the woman you fall in love with and married. it is somebody else. not me.

please help me pa. please pray for me. i know i can be so intimidating when i am into those moods, that you rather not talk to me or pretend that i do not exist. but it prolongs my agony. the more i crave for your attention, and i got angrier when you dont even come to me. please dont be afraid or angry with me everytime i turn into someone else. keep on talking with me (even if i snarl back to you, like an angry tiger), at least more than twice. a kiss on my head or whisper of loving words when i turn my back to you might do. i dont really know what would work. you can try at least. you have successfully wooed and married me, you definitely know how to tame and calm the angry and weird one in me. please always remember, that you are the most important person in me. i love you, and i dont want to hurt you much as i hurt myself. when i am calm, it actually hurts me more to see you hurt because of my outbursts.

i know we have so much to learn from each other. from being married. we havent even reached the first year of our marriage, but if you just can read what goes on in me when i am into the PIT, they are simply terrible. i am really sorry for the fact that i even allow those thoughts come into my mind.

thank you for being strong for me. i only pray that you keep yourself open to me, so i can understand you more; and as much as i know you are very wary of what lies beneath me - my mind and heart - i do not bite. i swear. please allow me too to brush on you so that we can smoothen each other with lesser friction.

we've got a long road ahead of us. i know it is impossible for us to have identical steps and directions, but we can do it in harmony. there is no one here on earth i would want to travel this journey of life with anyone else, even if we start having children, but only with YOU. i believe we are inspired by the same Holy Spirit, though we sometimes listen and follow differently, i am convicted to do it with you, and only with you.

i love you pa. i am really thankful to God for marrying me with you.

God bless.

p.s.

how i wish that my episodes of emotional outbursts will cease after this confessions. but i know, that, that is too unreal. watch out for my future mood swings. i pray that GOd continue on strengthening you with His unending and unconditional love, so that you too may continue on loving me as well with joy and peace in your heart. and hopefully, heal me from this. love you.

WESTERN SAMURAIS

If you are reading ‘East Meets West’ or an article that explores every detail of life in Japan written by Westerners, chances are you have at least encountered a polemic one. My personal encounters with gaijin westerners however give a different analysis. Nihon-jins and Western gai-jins just seem to go along with. I don’t mean of course that if you are going to replace the population with Westerners, it would be anything like the success story Japan has been nor to undermine the apparent cultural differences because Japan seems to be highly “Westernized”.

For example, every time I meet my neighbors (mostly English teachers from the U.S. and U.K.), they would always say to me, “Good to see you Sam. How are you doing?” very quickly like “Hai, Hai”. It took me a while to realize that nobody wants an answer. You don’t know if they are really friendly or just the style of being polite. You see, it doesn’t differ sharply with “Hai” which rarely means “yes”. We can see a clue that the insincere inquiry is a ‘institutionalized thoughtfulness’.

Although I find the Americans whinny (like us Filipinos) and hear them always say, “they’re just a bunch of robots”, I don’t expect wild burst from a typical English man. They are very stiff and very reserved and staid, much more than even the Japanese salaryman who are too formal and only seem spontaneous when they are out drinking. And like the Samurai’s who prided themselves on endurance and showing no emotion (qualities still valued in Japanese society today).

Hmmm, well I suppose there’s a place for all different kinds of responses but let me have one last shot. Nihonjins and gaijins from the west are ant-like. Well, you say Asians are sluggish ( I said ‘Asians’ because Japanese are not connected with that word) but that’s a different story. The order: job, friends, then family might not be true to the other one but I find them both so caught up in the rat race. I remember asking my British neighbor why he always work even on holidays and he quipped “It’s Japan, man”. Their careers/working life are spinning in the Simon and Garfunkel song “Patterns”:

There are patterns I must follow
Just as I must breathe each breath
Like a rat in a maze
The path before me lies
And the pattern never alters
Until the rat dies

One time the same neighbor ask me why I seem to enjoy my life here in Tokyo despite the fact that I have an ‘odd’ arubaito job and I don’t get paid like the traditional gaijin English teachers-almost implying how did I survived. I said that I am not a hermit participating in the rat race.

Though, I wont be surprised if some of these westerners, who think that their parents back home are much richer than them and trapped in a maze here in Japan, will one day kneel to the ground and plunge his own sword into his body as an honorable surrender –like the Samurai’s harakiri.